Well, I don't even know what to say. I wish I had way more time to update blog because I've put so much effort in this blog for past years. Especially in design and right now it's one of the things I like the most about this site. Minimalistic, simple and easy to perceptible. I've to mention that I don't remember why the hell I did start. What did I though about? That someday I will become famous because of this? That there will be thousands of people who will read my blog daily and be my friends? Probably I thought about that as well. But overall I started blogging because I felt alone. I felt like outsider. I had nobody to talk about things I liked, for example:''hey, what do you think of that body lotion?'' and ''oh, do you listen to that band? it's sooo good!'' bla, bla, bla. It always have been same. When I started blogging I was one of these girls who haven't seen anything in life. I always tried to look cool. I always wanted to be the one who know everything. I loved to gossip with my friends. Oh, we're drinking vodka tonight? OK! Cigarettes? No.. OK, just one. Give me just one more. And then I started to buy them by myself. And when in backyard shop they started to sell them to me (even though it was illegally back then) I always bought some for my friends if they asked. It all was cool. It all was good. First kiss? Gosh, when all my friends had chance to enjoy it around age of 12, 13 I was the one who did it when I was 16 years old. Finally, with a man. It was like a game - you have to complete every level to get to the next. And if you did it - you made it, you're one of us. Of course, my friends did not say that, but I always felt like I have to be like them no matter what. Be bad, be stupid, be ridiculous. Be like people around you to fit it, but never yourself. And then there was revulsion. I had to sit at home every Friday night. As well as Saturday nights. If wanted to go out with friends - few hours.
When I look back I see another person. Beautiful girl with healthy long hair, white teeth, skinny. But if I was happy? I will never know. I had everything and nothing at the same time. Today I feel, hmn, all these sleepless nights, panic attacks, tears and experiences = I'm another person today. There are plenty of things that I haven't experienced yet, also so many things I've done/seen. I know exactly what I want - it's freedom. Today I'm smart enough to know that someday I want to be free as a bird. I know that someday I will forgive my mom for all my tears, someday I will forget all those fights with friends who left me and maybe, just maybe I will talk to them normally again. If not I know that I will forgive them. I will forgive for words who made me feel worthless, unhappy & ugly. Someday I will find someone who will be next to me no matter what. Who will love me for who I am. Who will teach to forgive to those people who made me unhappy. Who will hold me close. And I will prove to that person - I would die for his warm heart. Someday. I want to be free like a bird. I want to travel all around the world and be happy. I want to be victim of happiness. And life have proven that love is the key of this happiness. Maybe, just maybe (because I know I'm right) I'm wrong.. But today I feel way more smarter than I was two years before. And I don't care if anyone thinks that I'm wrong. Because I'm the one who knows better. And all this is for someone who have felt like I did years ago - don't follow your friends, follow your dreams; don't listen to people who talk shit about you, because you know the best about yourself; believe in good and smile, also don't do drugs and never try cigarettes they're not just cool looking but also addictive.
This story is part of how this blog born. I was alone and had nobody to talk with. I was the one who had no personality, but here it started to grow. I re-read everything I posted and started to understand myself more and more. I started to realize that half of people I knew back then was just bloated bubble which exploded when I started to realize what is meaning of ''wannabe''. Society is fucked up, be yourself and if you need some backup help, here are so many posts about my experience in life. My spiritual experience!
For those who didn't read this post, don't worry - some ''photos via Instagram'' post are coming soon as well as other posts!